What to do when you feel lost.


The truth

Sometimes, things aren't going to work out the way you want them to. 

Try as you might, you won't be able to control a situation.  

Sometimes, the situation is not yours to control because the story belongs to someone else. 

It might feel like the pendulum of luck or fate - or whatever you want to call it - is not swinging in your favour.  

You might feel doomed to weather a storm you didn't expect would come your way.  

People will believe whatever they want to believe. 


This time last year, I came to the very sudden realization that when it came to my business, I was somewhere I didn't belong.  

I'm not sure how I got there, but it was entirely my doing and my fault.  I knew that I needed to make a change but it would take time and effort.  

Considerable effort. 

I knew that I needed to start putting myself first and that doing so feel lonely.

So I didn't do anything about it.  I wasn't ready.

Instead, I kept coasting in a very toxic place.  

I stood still in what felt like a dark room and proceeded to bend myself into all kinds of debilitating shapes and positions for other people.  I allowed my body to become sick with stress and worry and then sick with illness.  

I suffered.  

Like... Just general suffering.  That really ugly kind of suffering. 


As time went on,  I started to discover that I felt lonelier where I was.  

You see... I was suffering all alone.

I was compensating for my own missteps.  I was overwhelmed by my own story.  And I came to realize that I didn't like the person I was becoming. 

Change suddenly seemed easier.  I weighed my past against my future and future won. 


I've found myself in these situations before.  I call it Bleeding Heart Syndrome. 

B. H. S

In my coaching sessions, I see it all the time.  I recognize it intimately because I've been there myself. 

You want to help people.  You want to make a difference.  

That's a good thing!

Let me be clear.  I am not a manager.  I am not good at managing people.  

I am good at leading people.  I am good at inspiring people.  I am good with vision.  I can understand vision.  

To build vision is what I love to do.

Ask me to manage a group of creatives on a day-to-day basis and I will say no for the rest of my life.  

My friends and I have discussed this at length.  

It was a lesson I needed to learn. 

Life is full of these types of lessons, and it always sucks when you have to learn them in your business.  

Mostly because business is pretty unforgiving and there isn't much room for error.  

When you draw hard lines in the sand, you literally divide things.  

You carve them up.  

And your business will require that kind of gumption from you on the daily.  

Being a people manager taught me where I don't belong.  

So yeah...

I felt lost.  

I felt like I was living someone else's dream.  

Making good change

As far as I am concerned, there are two types of change.  

The kind you initiate, and the kind that happens to you.  

They tend to come as a packaged deal.  I call them the evil twins of change. 

When you encourage change, there is a whole series of events right behind it that you can't control.  Being aware of that is key.  If you have decided to make good change in your life because you feel lost, you need to understand that you can only influence your own narrative.  

Don't try to influence the narrative of others

My friend Patricia Kiteke used to call it The Bullshit Wall.  

Put it up.  Protect your heart.  

I don't believe that people do drastic things because they want to.  

Drastic isn't fun.  

If you need to make drastic change, chances are you've attempted every effort to avoid it.  

We're comfort creatures, after all.  


Understand your power and be kind.  Let the madness go.

Be resilient and focus on your own affairs.  Don't distract yourself with drama.  

Think of it this way. 

Your brain only has so much power to guide you through the day.  

When you wake up in the morning, you are at maximum capacity.  

Don't drain your batteries on the past.  Don't drudge up the past.  We're taking about your life here.  

Your single greatest opportunity to be an awesome, healthy human.  

This whole LIFE shit is  a BIG deal. 

Allow the world to settle around you in a very calm, real way.  Because what will be, will be.  

If you feel nostalgic or emotional, channel that into something productive.  

Allow your emotions to flow from you because they should never be locked up. 


Embrace scary. 

You're going to feel terrified.  That's pretty much a given.

You will want to return to safe, even if safe doesn't feel good.  

We're faulty spirits like that.  

We'll often harm our own well-being in order to feel secure.  We'll sacrifice ourselves in order to feel accepted.

We don't always see it coming.  

Making good change means you have to break old patterns, and that is going to feel really, really scary.  

It will feel lonely. 

But this is where it gets good.  You know.... 

Because when you stop trying to control the narrative of others... When you get to a calm place where you aren't concerned with what people are think about you, you free yourself from the shackles of drama and distraction.  

I felt most alone when I was trying to control what other people thought of me.  

Isn't that ironic? 


It's time to let go

The saddest part about making good change is that you often have to let people go.  

You don't necessarily have to make any grand gestures or do anything ridiculous.  

Sometimes, letting go involves the gentle release your desperate grip.  

There are, of course, consequences to doing that. 

I think we all want to feel like we belong.  I think it is a very basic human need. 

In order to wholly participate in that amazing feeling of kinship and warm-regard, we also need to recognize the places we shouldn't be.  

We  don't need to be perfect.  In fact, we can't be perfect.  

Perfect never going to happen.  

The whole world is trying to survive.  We're all busy making lives for ourselves.  

That's the point, right?  You are not in the business of making lives for other people, are you? No.

Learning to move on is one of the greatest lessons you will ever teach yourself.  

And consequently, it might also be one of the greatest lessons you ever teach the people around you. 

Not everybody is going to understand it.